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How to Give a Cat a Pill
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left
arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's
mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding
pill in right hand As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm,
holding rear paws tightly with left hand.
;Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right
forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse in from the garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees,
hold front and rear paws.
Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.
Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail.
Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler
and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines
and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with
head just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with
pencil and blow down drinking straw
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and
drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's
forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.
Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard,
and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force
mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on
hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last
tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.
Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new
one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the #$%^&* cat from the top of the
tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into
fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little
*&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind
tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by
large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically
and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the
emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and
forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call
furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call
local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
3. All done!
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